Being Sorry vs Apologizing

Acknowledge

We all need to acknowledge unpleasant situations, whether we recognize that we are clearly in the wrong, or whether we feel the other party is. Recognition is a critical step towards lowering tension, reconciliation and the possibility of future cooperation.

However, saying “I am sorry” is not the same as saying “I apologize”. There is a big difference between the meaning of those two sentences, and both are useful for different reasons.

Expressing sorrow

To say “I’m sorry” is not taking responsibility: it is simply saying that the situation is regrettable or deplorable.

Sitting with the feeling of regret, without taking on responsibility is a useful exercise. It avoids trying to make the other person feel better by taking on blame, which may feel inauthentic and lead to resentment in the future. It also avoids changing focus to oneself rather than spending the time and energy exploring how the other person might be truly feeling. A genuine exercise in empathy.

Apologizing

The act of apologizing is taking responsibility: it requires identifying what action of ours should be corrected if the opportunity presents itself again.

Saying “I apologize if …” is not taking responsibility. In fact, it puts the responsibility squarely on the other person. It is a common shortcut, a way out that utilizes the words but does not convey the intent. A better phrasing is: “I apologize for …”, completing the sentence with the specific action that should not be repeated or corrected.

A Useful Tool

I hope this distinction can help relationships everywhere grow stronger.